Your Favorite Child

When you were a kid growing up, did you have the sense that one of the children in your family of origin was the favorite? Were you jealous of that child? Or were you secretly relieved that you didn’t get that much attention, that you weren’t the one that your parents always expected to be perfect and to make them proud?

As a child, I had the sense that my parents loved me more than some of the other kids, but it was at great cost. I knew that their love wasn’t free and I hustled hard to get it. I knew that if I failed at being nearly perfect, that they would love one of the other kids better than me. I knew what the rules were, clearly laid out in our religion, for being a patient, kind, submissive child and young woman who never spoke back, never asked for things for herself, and always went to bed exhausted.

As a parent, I tried very hard not to let my children think I loved one of them better than another. Let me tell you, it turned out to be impossible. One of my children ended up demanding more attention through bad behavior and in order to make the family anything close to functional, I ended up giving that child more attention. The other children perceived this as favoritism. I spent years exclaiming loudly that this child was not my favorite, in fact that if anything, the opposite was true. But the investment of time (and sometimes money) spoke louder than anything else.

And then another phase hit, and another of my children was seen as the favorite. Finally, a third child and then a fourth were seen as the favorite. Any time a child needed extra care, whether due to financial issues or time and attention, that child was seen as the favorite. It was frustrating to try to correct this impression all the time, though I did keep reminding the other children that only last year, they thought another child was favorite—or they were the favorite. To no avail.

At this point, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no way to avoid children perceiving that you have a favorite. I’m not sure that this means that I think that there’s no way of favoring children in such a way that it becomes immoral and manipulative. I’m also pretty sure that children often can’t see clearly if their parents are favoring one child over another. Nor can outsiders see the difference, even if it’s clear to those inside. Like most parenting, there’s no objective way to grade it as good or bad, but I still reserve the right to an opinion on egregiously bad parenting.

There is a difference between the kind of favoritism that happens accidentally, however, when one child has an interest that happens to coincide with a parent’s. There are times when those kinds of consanguinities wax and wane as children change and develop into adulthood. It’s also important as a parent to keep an eye on these things lest they become more than an accident and begin to be deliberate. Just because you get along with certain children (or grandchildren) does not excuse leaving the others out deliberately of something they could be involved in.

But there really are no easy answers. And maybe that’s the only lesson of parenting. Never be too sure of yourself if you’re doing it right. Always be willing to take notes from your children, though they are also not the last word.