Why I am Stupid/Brave

What is it they say, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? I wonder a lot if there’s a difference between being stupid and being brave. Bravery is also a lot about doing something other people have tried before and found “impossible.” It’s about putting yourself on the line over and over again for something you believe in strongly—and that other people don’t believe in at all, or not as strongly. Bravery is doing something that you know is going to cost you a lot, and doing it anyway. Because maybe you can’t not do it. Or because you’re too stupid to see how much it’s really going to cost you, and you only see the real hurricane headed your way afterward, when you can’t stop it anymore.

I keep doing things other people label as “brave” and that some part of me wishes I could take back. Writing The Bishop’s Wife, for instance. I thought that there would be blowback. I thought I was prepared for the blowback. I was not. I’m not sure anyone can prepare for what actually happens when your community (and your own family) perceive you as dangerous, as the enemy, as someone who must be expelled and punished at all costs.

And then I was “brave” (read: stupid) again when I did the same thing with the ex-Mormon community, speaking about things I wasn’t “allowed” to speak about, without getting approval by the men involved, without telling them about my problems first. Because, of course, they are men and they get to decide whether my problem deserves redress or not. And I lost everything all over again. Less at this point because there was less to lose.

Now it feels like people see me as some kind of hero, someone they can point to and get inspiration from. And I want to shout at them to stay far away from me and never do anything like what I did. Protect yourselves! Do not lose everything. See me as a cautionary tale, and not as an example of what to do when you’re in distress. Do not speak the truth. Do not!

I wrote a poem about this recently, a cautionary poem, so to speak. (I’m not a great poet, but the meaning is clear and piercing).

Never Tell the Truth

Never tell the truth,

Never step into the dark.

Never jump over that yawning cliff.

Never cut into your own heart.

There are things not meant to be known.

Least of all by yourself.

So never tell the truth.

Never take the risk.

Never open your eyes.

Never unbind your limbs.

Never listen to wild music.

Never dance freely under the stars.

Never trust anyone.

Least of all yourself.