What NOT to say to a depressed person

I know that people generally mean well when they talk about what helped them with their own depression (usually not clinical), and so I try to simply dismiss advice about depression that is really unhelpful. Just scroll past it, don’t respond. DON’T RESPOND, Mette.

But there are days when I can’t help but respond when someone blithely posts things like “you can choose happiness and the only way to be happy is to choose happiness” or “just count your blessings and you won’t be depressed anymore” or “if you repent of all your sins and embrace Jesus, you won’t be depressed anymore.”

I’m growling under my breath and clenching my fists even as I try to type this in. If those things helped you, fine. A part of me can even understand how they might help some people, if interpreted the right way. A gratitude practice has been really helpful for me to turn my attention away from negative thoughts. Also, it is helpful for me to see that I have some power in my own mind when it comes to inviting certain thoughts in. If it helps you to think of Jesus and to pray/meditate and to let go of your sense of guilt, more power to you. But to dismiss other people who continue to be depressed even after trying all of these things as “not having tried hard enough” is not only cruel, but dangerous.

For me, the worst element of depression and the one hardest to combat is my sense that *I* am the problem, that the world would be better off without me and my depression, that other people are annoyed when I talk about it, or that I am such a disgusting person because of mistakes that I’ve made that I don’t deserve to be alive anymore.

Again, I know that people are trying to be helpful and I try to appreciate that, but when I’m in a bad enough space that I’m thinking about being dead, it really doesn’t help to put more responsibility on me about my depression. Similarly, it isn’t super helpful to me to list a series of wildly experimental treatments that you think might help. Weed, mushrooms, ketamine, and the like are all things that I know work for some people, at least for some period of time. And I try to keep a list in the back of my mind for “possible future things to try.”

But the reality is that I don’t qualify for experimental things because I apparently haven’t done enough to convince the medical establishment that I’ve tried the regular things “enough.” Being sick, hating the taste of food, and having no libido are simply “normal side effects” of regular depression medication and I have to show these effects for three months or more for every single medication available at every single dose, apparently. I really don’t want to make my life worse by trying umpteen medicatications that make me wish I was dead more. This appears not to be a “reasonable” response, so here we are.

There are a ton of other problems, too. I don’t have time/energy to go to the doctor or a therapist as much as might be useful. Why? Because I have to work a job to continue to have medical insurance to do anything. Since this is the system we’ve set up in America, there is no real way for people who may need to spend weeks and months dealing with depression symptoms to get the help they need. I didn’t create this system. I just have to work around it and I’m doing the best I can.

My point ultimately is that there are a lot of factors that go into depression and the solutions are not at all simple. It often feels to me that I’m banging against a brick wall, trying to open a door with my head. *I* am not the cause of my depression. Systemic issues are causing the need to overwork to have any access to care. Not to mention sexism, racism, and classism that all add to the burdens I’m carrying. The whole idea that *I* as an individual can solve these problems IS the problem.