Unconditional Love

When one of my kids was about ten, they asked me if there was anything they could do that would make me stop loving them. I thought for a moment and then answered truthfully (my kids knew at this point that I would always give a truthful answer, even if I felt uncomfortable about it).

“I don’t know what would happen if you sexually abused one of the other kids, but it’s possible I would stop loving you then.”

The kid, who was certain at that point that while they might do other things they were worried about me not approving of, this was not one of the things that they were tempted by, said, “OK, thanks, Mom,” and went off to play, satisfied with the answer.

At the time, I was still a devout, believing Mormon and would have said that while God was capable of unconditional love, no human is, and that God could love any sinner, no matter the sin, even if we mortals were not capable of that kind of love. I don’t really believe in God anymore and I don’t think that there’s anyone really capable of that fully unconditional love, which means all we are going to find here is the closest simulation of unconditional love that the best humans among us can offer—often parents, though not always.

I love my kids more than I love myself. This may be something I should work on. Loving myself more, that is, not loving my kids less. But I often torture myself wondering what I should have done to show my love better. It was always hardest when I felt forced to choose between my children. Please do not tell me that this isn’t something that you ever have to do as a parent. It was something I had to do constantly. And it wasn’t always as simple as two children having an appointment at the same time and not being able to be at both of them, though that was certainly one problem.

You hear people say a lot that there are no books on raising children, and this is clearly untrue. There are plenty of books on raising children. The problem is that they are all wrong. Because only you have the particular children you have and only you can decide what compromises you are going to make, and there will be daily and even hourly compromises. What food to make for dinner? Potatoes, which one child loves and another hates? Rice, ditto. Pasta, the same? And again, this is only the most trivial of the kinds of choices parents must make.

Children will hurt each other, and as a parent, you must decide how to act. Children will compete. One child will seem to be the favorite, even if they are not. Sometimes, you will have to act unfairly for the greater good. I think a lot about the choices I had to make as a parent. I would never claim that I did the right thing all the time. I’m sure I didn’t. But when I look back, I am not sure what would have been better. And even if I can think of a better choice, I did not necessarily have the financial or emotional resources to do it. Because there is no such thing as unconditional love in a world that is full of deeply flawed human people who cannot do what is best, even if they are trying to and desperately want to.

So when last week my kid said with certainty that there is no such thing as unconditional love, I agreed. Again. I am no perfect example of parenting. I made many mistakes and wish sometimes I could change some things. But also, I did not know what would happen. I didn’t know who my children would grow up to be. And if I went back in time and did it all over again, I am not at all convinced that it would turn out better, that they would feel more unconditional love from me. Only that it would be different, and that I would, most likely, wish that I had done better for them. I think that might be as close to unconditional love as any human is capable of.