Staying Friends with Mormons

I have a handful of Mormon friends whom I dearly love and who I know love me. I truly appreciate them being willing to accept me where I've landed for now. The ones who remain on my Facebook page, where I've been posting pieces of my Mormon memoir in progress are especially tenacious and loving. I've been where they are now, and I was nowhere near as nice or as accepting and tolerant as they are to me. The Mormon church often gives overt messages about the dangers of having relationships with people who are “anti-Mormon” and suggests that we will lead them out of the church and into sin if they listen to us. It is demonstrably true that the statistics suggest that having a close relationship with someone who leaves the Mormon church means you are more likely to leave yourself. So I get why this message is so frequently given.

All that said, I was never on this side before, and I'm discovering that there are some challenges in remaining friends with Mormons. I'm not angry about it. Just aware that there is work on this side, as well, work that I don't think I could possibly have understand when I'd only been on the other side.

One of the primary problems is what I would call “triggers.” Using certain phrases (for instance “covenant path” or “think celestial” or even “same-sex attraction”) give me a mental jolt. They draw me back into my old worldview and can often cause me problems where my brain reverts to my past Mormon judgmentalism—this time of myself. I also get a visual image of the prophet/apostle who said this thing and I feel a divided sense of reverence and disgust. Reverence was the old feeling that I had for these men. Disgust is what I often feel for them now (if I'm being kinder, it may be as gentle as shaking my head or feeling sad about their old-fashioned and unenlightened views). It's also a problem because there are still people who think of me as wayward or evil and whose love, respect and admiration I have lost and which I keenly miss.

Another problem is the difficulty having conversations about morality and about what is moral or not. Many Mormons are conservative politically and while I don’t think that their point of vie is evil, it can be hard to convince them that my point of view isn’t evil, either. I don’t hold marriage in high esteem anymore. I don’t believe that men and women are different in any way, or that there is any use in thinking about gender in binary terms. I firmly reject what I see as the transgender wars that have become a normal part of discourse. I don’t think that there’s any reason to imagine that people are being scared or confused about their own gender. I try very hard not to argue with my Mormon friends on these topics, and some of them try to gently talk around them with me. I appreciate their attempts to see me where I am, but I admit, it doesn’t always feel like we’re doing equal amounts of work.

A final problem I have is simple tolerance for my new “lifestyle.” I drink coffee now. I occasionally drink alcohol. I’ve only ever had sex with one person in my life, but I don’t particularly think of that as a moral choice. Maybe this is the fundamental problem of us remaining friends, that they see so many things as moral choices that I do not. I am not a particularly ardent environmentalist (maybe I should be), but I will argue about the morality of abortion if given a chance. I just don’t think it’s useful, so I find myself remaining silent while the Mormons around me (particularly if they are the majority) sometimes run right over me and my attempts to get them to reconsider whether or not showing children videos of gay people is bound to turn them gay or if it’s really a great idea to teach total abstinence and nothing else to high school children as your sex education program, or to never discuss how much alcohol you can safely drink if you’re planning to drive. I wish consent was the object of sex education and not morally shaming teens who engage in sex. But I often keep my mouth shut because I value my Mormon friends and because I remember being where they are now and believing strongly what they believe.

It’s just frustrating because I don’t see that my Mormon friends acknowledge the work it sometimes takes on my part to not drink alcohol in front of them or to have to deal with their judgmental looks if I do so (or coffee, for that matter). I don’t want to offend them, but I don’t see them caring as much about offending me, or imagining that it is even possible to offend someone as godless as they see me being now.

I know the lingo of Mormonism very well. I can argue my point of view using Mormon scriptures and even quotes from Mormon General Conference. But I don’t do that anymore. I’m done with the project of making Mormonism better. I’m just not invested in the project anymore, even if I applaud and sometimes feel sorry for those who still are.

In many ways, I consider myself Mormon still. I don't think I will ever stop being Mormon. I love Mormons. I love parts of Mormonism still. But not the way I used to. And it's hard when it feels like the work on my side isn't recognized. It's hard not to be triggered. It's hard not to feel judged. It just is.