Seven Small, Good Things

I don’t have any fixes for depression. I won’t pretend that I have any idea what makes it better or worse. I don’t really believe I have control over it, and when I am happy, I am not at all sure that the things that trigger “happy” feelings are really related to the happy feelings in a cause/effect way. I sometimes wonder if I feel happy BEFORE the happy things that I notice that make me happy. I don’t think that when I was depressed, it would have helped much to have someone tell me about the “good stuff” in their lives. I don’t think it would have made me feel less like I wanted to be dead to know that it’s not any big things that will help. It’s the little things. Because I don’t think it’s about the things at all. It’s about the sensory organ (my brain) that is experiencing things as good or bad.

That said, there are a number of small things that have felt like they mattered lately.

Therapy.

I have not been a “therapy will fix you” person for quite some time. It’s not that I think all therapists are bad, but it is SO DAMNED HARD to find a therapist that is the right fit for you—and one that you can afford. Most of the time, I think we put up with therapists that we tell ourselves are “good enough” when in fact, they are more likely to be doing harm if there isn’t a good fit. I used to think that it took four or five months to figure out if a therapist was a good fit. I now think that if you don’t get something out of a therapist on the first session, it isn’t the right therapist and the wrong therapist is way more likely to be dangerous to your mental health than no therapist.

Nighttime Routine

I have no idea why it has felt so good to have a soothing nighttime routine, but I’ve come to really enjoy the half hour to an hour that it takes to fall asleep. I love the quilt on my bed (it’s made of race T-shirts and is cozy and warm). I love the new homemade cotton flannel nightie that I inherited from one of my kids at Christmas (it is so comfortable and it has POCKETS!). I love my routine of a cup of herbal tea before bed (even though it makes me pee three times a night). I love my routine of doing a short, breathing meditation before bed. I feel like I am choosing things for myself and I am honoring my need for quiet time and self-care.

Walking

I’ve always enjoyed walking, but lately I’ve had a walking companion most days and this has done wonders for my nervous system. I’m not very social and I mostly like to stay in my own house if I get a choice. I find social interaction to be taxing and it often triggers a sense that I’ve failed and a problem with mind whirring that I can’t get to stop, usually about all the things I did wrong with other people. But a walk with a safe person is just the right amount of social for my brain.

Treats

One of my kids likes to ask me if I’ve gotten myself a treat. For good things that happen. Also for bad things that happen. And I think it’s really important to have treats. I struggle sometimes because it’s effort to get a treat and I feel like it’s not “healthy” to have so many treats. I’m trying to expand my idea of “treats” to include items like mugs, stickers, and yarn. Giving myself feedback that yes, I had a hard day, or yes, I did a hard thing, or yes, I deserve love and kindness, is important.

Days Off

I am very bad at resting and in general, taking days off. I have a tendency to exhaust myself on my days off (this is one reason why I’ve always hated “vacations”). I think I need to do “staycations.” And I have to remind myself regularly that days off aren’t for getting other jobs done. They are for doing LESS, Mette. They are for doing nothing, or as close to nothing as possible. I don’t have to fill them with appointments for massages or other “self-care” things. Mostly, I just want to turn on Netflix and maybe make myself a batch of brownies. And some days off I don’t even write!!

Baths

I missed taking baths every day SO MUCH while I was recovering from surgery. I know most adults don’t bathe, but I do. I hated taking showers every day. Showers are work. Baths are relaxing. You have to stand up the entire time you’re taking a shower. Yes, I tried sitting on the floor of my shower. It is better than standing, but not at all as good as taking a bath. You do what makes you feel rested and I’ll do what makes me feel rested.

Chores

My whole life has changed since I had a spiritual woo-woo experience one day as I was cleaning the floor. I realized that I was doing this for future Mette, who was going to be so happy that someone had taken care of her in advance. And that person was me, now Mette. Instead of feeling like my chores are forced labor to make it possible for me to go back to work, I feel like each time I clean the toilets or the tub, wash and fold clothes, or do dishes, it’s a gift to future Mette. Future Mette deserves love and kindness. Maybe she can send it back in time to now Mette, too.

And that’s it. It feels like a small and silly list of things that have made me feel better about living in the world. I just feel more hopeful now than I have for quite some time. Not hopeful politically, but hopeful that maybe my life will not be a pile of shit every minute of every day for the rest of my life until it (thank God) ends at last!