My Own Kind of Perfectionist

This week has been difficult at work. I was thrown into a pilot program of a handful of people who are being asked to do two jobs at once for the sake of “efficiency.” It makes obvious sense that a company that makes money based on number of phone calls answered wants their employees to be able to answer a wider variety of calls so that no employee time is ever wasted waiting for a phone call they are equipped to answer. To be honest, I volunteered for this program for my own reasons (which I may explain later). I tend toward wanting to do a “good job” and feeling guilty or bored alternately if I’m not doing my job while at my job.

This is why I spent all week frustrated at the inability for others to do their job so that I could do my job. I started the week making a list of new tools that I needed access to in order to do my new job. By Wednesday, when I started taking calls, I still had 0 of those tools available to me. By Thursday, the most important of my regular tools had been taken away from me for reasons that no one has been able to understand. By Friday, various different parts of the company were blaming other various parts of the company for my lacking access—and also at the same time insisting that I DID have access and that it was all fine. Meanwhile, I am answering phone calls and trying to pretend that I know what I am doing even though I do not have the tools I need to do my job.

Frustrating is a kind word for how I felt about all of this.

I could have refused to take any phone calls at all until I was given my tools. This would have been a perfectly reasonable response. I didn’t do that, less because I was trying to give my company a fair use of my paid time, and more because I was trying to actually learn from the training I had a small window to use with supervisors in place to answer questions as I ramped up my skills.

What I tried to do toward the end of the week was to remind myself that actually, this pilot was not a test of *me* as good enough for my job, but rather believe that I had been chosen for the pilot because I was seen as extraordinarily flexible and smart, and that my bosses see me as the hard worker and dedicated to learning person that I am. This was a test of the pilot program and my frustration was an important component of the feedback the company needs to tinker with it and make it better for the next people.

The only actual feedback I got from the people running the program was that we—and I—had done a spectacularly great job, had ticked every single box that they had for success and that they were very grateful for our willingness to take a chance and stretch ourselves. They had spent the last day listening to our calls and said that we had gotten 5 stars on every single call they heard. My boss, who sits next to me in the office, listened to me take calls and also told me that I was “rocking” it.

So why do I still feel so frustrated? Obviously because I am my own kind of perfectionist (because I’m not content to be the regular kind of perfectionist, right?). I don’t attempt perfection. Oh, no. I expect a 95% grade on every single measure of performance on sixteen different topics at any given time. My brain flashes quickly from this to that, which is a great advantage if you’re trying to learn things. Except when you also notice all the mistakes that you make while you’re learning things. Trust me, I notice every single one of them. I do not miss any of the mistakes I make.

(If you ever come over to see some of my afghans and compliment me on them, I will point out each of the mistakes I made and you will not be able to see any of them even after I point them out.)

I am trying to accept that I am good enough and that there doesn’t need to be anything else. I did what needed to be done at work this week. I showed what a really good employee does when not given proper support. I showed what proper support needs to be in place. I failed visibly at times because failure is the path to success and avoiding failure is actually one of the biggest mistakes that humans make in our attempts to feel safe and confident in ourselves. I took risks this week and that is really something to be proud of in myself, not just this week but every day.