It Doesn't Matter What You Say

CW: SI

I’ve had recurring suicidal ideation for a couple of decades now, maybe longer than that. I’ve had really good friends who have talked me down. One convinced me to get rid of my planned method (pills). Other friends have tried other various strategies, from telling me how wonderful I am and how much they love me, to telling me that they need me, or reminding me that this is a temporary feeling and that it will go away and then I will be glad I survived.

I will be honest and say that a part of my brain is angry at each of these responses. I often feel like my genuine feelings are being dismissed or minimized. I feel like the other person doesn’t understand how bad my life really is, or how bad *I* am and how I’ve ruined everything and really don’t deserve to be alive anymore. Being needed by someone else doesn’t make my life better and being told I’m wonderful sometimes just feels like a kind and well-meant lie.

But what does matter? It’s showing up. I’ve come to believe that it matters a lot less what people say and a lot more that they are there. Their presence speaks louder than words about them valuing my life and continuing to believe that I'm worth sitting with, even through very difficult times. Sometimes it helps if they can make dark jokes and get me to laugh. Sometimes they can let me cry. Or rage. Even at them. But it’s the fact that they’re there, holding space with my despair, that makes some deeper part of me start to wonder if maybe, just maybe, I’m not the piece of shit that it feels like I am.

Another very helpful thing has been finding books that talk openly about suicidal ideation and the consequences. Recently, I’ve read The Valedictorian of Being Dead, Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me, Someday Maybe, and What My Bones Know. I know that there is a fear of “suicide contagion” and people might worry that reading books about others who have been through suicidal ideation might make it easier to go through with plans. But for me, these books have been such a relief. They make me feel less alone and worthless, even a little less broken in my brokenness. They remind me that this isn’t going to be something that gets “cured,” even with the best medical intervention money can buy. And hearing someone else say the words that I say to myself “everyone wishes I was dead” makes me realize how ridiculous it actually is.

So if you have someone in your life who is facing suicidal ideation and you’re terrified of saying the wrong thing (I’ve been on this side, too). If they yell at you no matter what you say and tell you you’re not helping and that you’re useless, just remember that being there is what matters most. Showing up again and again and again, that is the message of hope and love that you need to give them. Sometimes it may just be staying on the phone and saying nothing for twenty minutes until they want to go. Sometimes it’s letting them get out all the hateful words that are inside of them, and staying anyway. And also—thank you.