I'm So Tired

I see other people doing things after work. Going to movies. Watching Netflix marathons. Going out for drinks at a bar (something that is definitely a new choice for me as someone raised Mormon). And most of the time, I don’t feel jealous as much as just—dully surprised. I suspect that jealousy would require entirely too much energy on my part. Most of my emotions feel dulled because of the bone-deep exhaustion I currently feel. And I didn’t even do much of a Christmas. Because I was too tired. From last Christmas.

Most of the time, I find it difficult to imagine having enough energy to want to do things, to plan fun things for the future. And I honestly can’t tell which is the primary problem right now: depression or exhaustion. Am I tired because I’m depressed? Or am I depressed because I am so damned tired?

My brain hurts a lot of the time at work these days. I can’t tell how much of that is the result of a “mild concussion” I suffered at the end of November in my home gym (I fell while jumping and seem to have lost consciousness when I hit the cement floor). I feel brain fog occasionally, but mostly I just feel tired. Slow.

Feeling exhausted and slow are so abnormal for me. I’ve always had an abundance of energy, so much energy that I’ve had to burn off the excess doing things like Ironman training and racing and knitting and crocheting while I do anything else. I’ve always been the consummate dual-tasker. I have to do at least two things at the same time or I just get too bored. I’ve always prided myself on doing more in one day than most people do in a week.

I don’t know. Maybe that’s still true. Maybe it’s just that I have outsized expectations for myself. Maybe it’s just wintertime and wintertime is time to rest and hide under the blankets and take naps if at all possible. Maybe wintertime is when you’re supposed to eat more sweets and/or meat and add pounds to be burned off during the fast summer months.

Or maybe it’s just that I finally finished doing a long list of things that seemed like they would never be finished, so there was no point in thinking about an AFTER. The divorce has been finalized. I managed to do negotiations much better than I’d expected, after reading books on negotiation and listening to hundreds of hours of podcasts on divorce negotiation. I managed to sell the marital home on the last business day of the year and am feeling—something like peace.

But also exhaustion. I’ve been running myself ragged for the last three plus years since this all started. And for most of that time, it felt like I was aware there was a clock in the back of my head ticking down to the point when I wouldn’t be able to keep going anymore. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and now the candle may be out of wax and out of flame, as well.

I do a lot of things with my time. I exercise every day (even though I’m trying hard to stick to my commitment to retire from Ironman). I work hard at my job and the last month has been a doozy as tax deadlines have loomed and we’ve had a lot of new reps on the phones to train. There have been issues with my kids I’ve felt in charge of sorting out because I’m their mom and I seem to care the most about these things. Sometimes I’m the target of their frustration when things don’t go well and that takes it out of me, too.

At the end of every day, I mostly just want to go to sleep. I tell myself that I’m really not allowed to get into bed until after 8 p.m. because that’s already too early. My 21 yo son sometimes reminds me slyly that as you age, you actually need less sleep than when you’re younger, but nothing has ever seemed farther from the truth. I’ve never needed more sleep than now. I guess I need a vacation? But also, I do not want to plan a vacation. A staycation? Thinking about that seems too hard.

For now, I suppose I’m in a holding pattern, hoping that spring comes soon.