I Hate Meditation
My therapist assigned me to do 30 minutes of meditation a day. She didn’t think the 5 minutes twice a day I was doing was enough. I’ve been pretty depressed lately, so I’m not going to argue with her. Not directly, anyway. But let me tell you that I find myself arguing with the meditation guides. A LOT. Who are these people and what in the f**k makes them think that they know so much about my life—or about what would make it better? I remember this was a problem the last time I tried meditation. And the time before that.
Meditating is a time when I open myself up and am particularly vulnerable. And I know nothing about these people who are coming inside my head at that time and trying to tell me deep truths about myself and the world. Who vetted them? Do I know if anyone did a background check? Geez, these could be anyone. They could be trying to take over the planet. Or, well, just my brain.
OK, here’s a bit of what happens inside my head when I’m listening to a guided meditation.
Guide: You are safe.
Me: WTF? I’m not safe. I’m not even close to safe. I haven’t been safe for years. Nice for you that YOU are safe, though. I guess your life hasn’t imploded recently. Or possibly ever.
Guide: Everything is going to get better.
Me: Seriously? I’m supposed to chant that shit into my head and make myself believe it? How will that help? Then I’ll just end up being blindsided again and have to start my life over with nothing prepared. No way am I doing that. People who want me to do that are the people I’m afraid of.
Guide: Now is a good time to think of someone you love unconditionally and who loves you unconditionally in return.
Me: Unconditional love is a fantasy. No one loves anyone unconditionally. Don’t believe me? Just test it out. Eventually you’ll see where the boundaries are. And then you’ll be f**ked just like me. Better not to love at all than to love and lose. I promise you, I know the truth here and you’re going to come and ask me for advice, oh, in about thirty years.
You see the problem?
Is there a special kind of guided meditation for people who are in CPTSD? Trauma meditation? Where the guide just says stuff like?
You have been through the wringer. I see that. I validate your pain.
Wow. I had no idea how much shit you’re dealing with. How are you still standing?
I can absolutely see why no one loves you. That is definitely a problem, given the mistakes you’ve made.
Have you considered walking away from everything? Because that might not be a bad idea at this point?
For now, I’m probably going back to silent meditation, where the only voice in my head is my own. Yes, there are certain disadvantages to listening to my own negative thoughts swirl, but when I reign them in, at least I believe the shit I tell myself and that seems to make a big difference in my healing. Repeating lies doesn’t help me believe them—and I also do not want to.
As a big fan of your work, who really appreciates the thoughtful, sensitive and insightful window you gave me into a world so different from my own, started following you on Twitter, then found your newsletter. Gotta admit, I love its name, and, in my own, different ways, can relate. Your struggles with meditation remind me of some of my own,how difficult it has been to sit with my thoughts when they’re so..uncomfortable at best. And, while you just may need to be heard and not want any suggestions, other people have gone through this and a field of trauma sensitive meditation is emerging. So you are not alone in your reactions, many people who’ve experienced trauma go through this and there are meditation teachers working to find sensitive, supportive and caring ways to help.
Here’s a brief example. If you are curious, a quick Google search could help, and as a retired librarian, I’d be happy to look around a bit, if that would something useful. https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwiQzveYsbv-AhWFD0QIHbRRC30QtwJ6BAgUEAI&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DoQsZrjqxmi0&usg=AOvVaw0nQPggwSbJxJ3IH3KxZOrV
As an aside, there are some well known meditation teachers like Jack Kornfield, Sharon Salzberg and Tara Brach who have undergone significant trauma in their lives, and have had a lot of training and experience. They all have website and meditations around, also videos on you tube, and, of course, lots of books too.
Hoping you can find some comfort.