I Don't Own a Scale

One of the many things I left behind in the divorce was the fancy electronic scale that also pretended it could tell you your fat percentage (hint: it couldn’t as far as I could tell). I never purchased a new scale. It’s been about four years since I last weighed myself on a scale and probably ten since I did it on a regular basis. I stopped counting calories with an app about three years ago, as well. I’ve been trying to do more “intuitive eating,” if that means letting myself eat foods I want to eat without constantly checking to see how much I’m allowed to eat of them.

I exercise a lot and while I’m not in constant Ironman shape as I was for a previous decade, I rarely miss a day and I push myself hard. I also like sweets and I don’t like to think about sweets as a “reward” for pushing hard, because that tends to lead to me overtraining, and that’s not good for my physical health. Also, it isn’t good for my mental health, either. I try to eat 10 fruits and vegetables every day. That’s my goal, but I also have tried not to use an app to count that because there are days when I don’t achieve my goal and generally, there’s a good reason for that. Like a root canal, for instance.

I’ve also started to “refuse” to get weighed at the doctor. Yes, I know you’re going to now lecture me about how important it is for my doctor to know what my weight is so that they can properly does out medication. But you know what? That has never happened in my lifetime. I’m a tiny woman and I wish that I could get medication titrated for my size, but I can’t. So I split pills at times or I take whatever is on offer, which is a limited set of dosages. And also, my weight hasn’t changed very much or I wouldn’t be able to wear the same clothes as I was wearing last year and the year before that. And frankly, since high school, since I still have some things in my closet from that era—and yes, they still fit.

I already have a tendency to focus on external things, on measures and markers outside of me, and that isn’t good for any parts of me. The more I have let go of external goals and focused on doing workouts based on how I “feel” that day, the better my performances tend to be. Although that isn’t actually the point. The point is dealing with my anxiety before training and races so that I can sleep properly every night. I know that not everyone has the same set of problems with their bodies. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, or to argue that not having a scale is superior. But can I suggest that weight isn’t the only measure of your health? Or even the best one? Resting heart rate and blood pressure are both better and you can buy devices that measure those for about the same price as a fancy scale.

Mostly, I just want to say how much my life has changed since I stopped thinking of my body as being good or bad based on a number on a scale. Why is it better to have a smaller number anyway? Why shouldn’t it be good for me to put on weight with muscle when I’m lifting heavy weights? Why isn’t it good to put on weight during happy times, so that I’m protected the next time I’m in the hospital with a long illness? And why isn’t it good for me to just love my body as it is, because it is me, and I deserve to be loved?