How to Walk Away
One of the keys to negotiating in divorce and in other situations is learning how to walk away. Not just to walk away, though that is part of it, but HOW to walk away. With dignity. With confidence. With warmth and the understanding that you are willing to come back on good terms, if and when the other person is.
What you must understand about negotiating is that it often takes multiple tries before you get to a deal. A deal isn’t about you refusing to budge or the other person caving. It is almost never about anything like that. Mostly, you coming to the negotiating table is you taking a new look at the situation and thinking creatively about a variety of different options, new ones that you hadn’t thought of before, that might be acceptable to both parties. It’s you looking inside yourself yet again and asking what is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Not the thing that you want the most, but the thing that you can least live without.
And then refusing to compromise on that thing. While knowing that at some point you may have to compromise on that very thing, because you are nimble at negotiation and you are willing to reconceive of yourself again and to reconsider what the next step in your life can look like.
On some level, negotiating means reminding yourself that the person on the other side of the table is always still a person, with both strengths and weaknesses, with wants and needs just like you. That the other person deserves the best deal that you can both manage to cobble together. That the other person should have grace offered to them and that you should assume the best of them, if you possibly can, and that they are also trying to figure out a solution that will not destroy you both.
And then, being willing to walk away this time. Instead of being angry or feeling like you aren’t being treated well or that you didn’t get what you needed. Just standing up and walking away and letting your thought be only—not this time, not on those terms.
It doesn’t mean that you have the expectation that someone else will step in and fix it. It might be that you are going to have to give up on the negotiation altogether and go to a third party to get what you want. It might mean going to court (in a divorce) and letting a judge decide, which is scary because then you give up all control.
But being willing to walk away is important to any negotiation. Both parties have to feel like they can walk away in order for the real power of the negotiation to hold sway. Because if you feel like the other person isn’t acting in good faith or if you feel like you hold all the cards, you aren’t going to find the deal that will make you both happy. Not happy like that, not dancing around happy, but satisfied at the work of negotiating. And it is work. Some of the most important work.