How to Help a Divorcing Friend

Here are some tiny, concrete thoughts on what you might do to help a divorcing friend:

1.     Offer money. Lawyers cost a hell of a lot. So does everything when it comes to starting a brand new life.

2.     Offer to take them out to eat. They may not be able to eat and may not be able to afford to go out to eat.

3.     Offer to pay for therapy

4.     Offer to listen to rants and fears, maybe just by text.

5.     Say out loud “I’m on your side” and then be on one person’s side. Trying to be a “Switzerland” friend is something you do to make yourself feel better about how evenhanded you are, but is really you being too cowardly to pick a side. A Switzerland friend doesn’t help either side in the end.

6.     Check in on them regularly. Maybe every day at first.

7.     Be the kind of friend that they don’tt have to pretend with.

8.     Listen to and affirm the pain. Saying "it's going to get better" or "you'll get through this" can feel so painful, like you're asking for extra work from them.

9.     Stop with the advice. They’re already struggling.

10.  You lose so many people in divorce. So many. Reassure them that you're not going to be one of them.

11.  Help with the job search if they need a new job. Offer to read a resume and give feedback. Suggest specific companies you might give that resume to, when it’s ready. Offer long-term career advice.

12.  Bring food.

13.  Find small comfort items to offer.

14.  Build new memories because the old ones are fraught.

15.  Lower your expectations. There are a lot of things that were normal and even easy before that are not going to happen anymore.

16.  This is a death. There is going to be a long period of mourning. Different parts of mourning may show up, like anger, than in other deaths. But all the parts of the mourning process will show up.