How to Help a Divorcing Friend
I didn’t know the divorce was coming until it hit me with just a few hours notice. I was angry, but mostly I was just plain confused and turned upside down. I am lucky enough to have had a group of really good friends (and family) who were there for me immediately—or at least as soon as I told them. I delayed with some people because I was embarrassed. I couldn’t stand the idea I had disappointed them and I also didn’t like the idea that I was going to need help. But whoo boy did I need help.
I’ve compiled the following list of suggestions to help someone who is divorcing that I hope will be helpful if a friend of yours finds themself in my situation.
1. Say out loud “I’m on your side” and then be on one person’s side. Trying to be a “Switzerland” friend is something you do to make yourself feel better about how evenhanded you are, but is really you being too cowardly to pick a side. A Switzerland friend doesn’t help either side in the end.
2. Money. Offer money. Offer a specific amount. Offer it as soon as possible. If you feel it will be accepted better in the amount you’re offering as a loan, offer that, with the knowledge that it may never be paid back. Be OK with that. If you can offer an amount on a regular basis, do that.
3. Check in regularly. You may think that it’s better to do a lunch once a month with this person. But I suspect they’d rather have a text message every day. Say kind things. Keep saying kind things.
4. Help with the job search. Offer to read a resume and give feedback. Suggest specific companies you might give that resume to, when it’s ready. Offer long-term career advice.
5. Bring food. Some people lose weight during a divorce. Some people gain weight during a divorce. Either of these are perfectly normal. No matter which you see, keep offering food. For long periods of time, good food cooked by someone else ended up being the only thing that I was grateful happened that day.
6. Distraction. Find things to do that are fun. Watching shows together, sharing book ideas, going on walks. Anything you can think of to do to get the other person to stop with the circling thoughts about the divorce.
7. Listen to everything. It’s important to be able to unload anger. Your job in this situation is not to offer advice, but simply nod and listen and say “Yes, you’re right.” There may be a time later when you can offer more constructive feedback. That time is not now.
8. Lower your expectations. There are a lot of things that were normal and even easy before that are not going to happen anymore.
9. Put on your protector shield. Suddenly, your friend is newly vulnerable. They may end up doing stupid things. You are probably not going to be able to stop them from doing stupid things. You may have to do clean up afterward.
10. This is a death. There is going to be a long period of mourning. Different parts of mourning may show up, like anger, than in other deaths. But all the parts of the mourning process will show up.