How to Do That Thing

I’ve been trying to figure out how to write down the new thing I’m trying to do lately, which is to replace the rigid, black and white thinking, perfectionist voice in my head that accepts nothing less than beyond perfection with something softer, kinder, and gentler. The better version of parenting that I tried to give to my own children and that on some level my mother tried to give to me. Maybe even my father tried to give that to me, but just got trapped in his own scripts in his head from his own abusive childhood.

It’s not going to happen without a lot of effort and I think that I didn’t understand until the last few months that I was going to have to shout at the old voices to shut up AND at the same time to add new voices in, even when it feels like those voices are fake, overly polite, saccharine sweet. One of the things I like about myself is that I am honest. I dare to say things out loud and to write things that other people don’t. And so I’m going to try to write down here what it is to do the thing that changes the neural pathways, the grooves, that your brain is so used to running on because those were things that helped you survive when you were very small and you learned them so very well that you never knew that growing up might mean you had to let them go.

Instead of saying—don’t get too cocky, you’re not all that.

I say—you are actually pretty amazing and you should be proud of yourself for being able to do things that no other person on the planet can do.

Instead of saying—you need to think about it from the other person’s perspective and give them the benefit of the doubt.

I say—I don’t have to take responsibility for other people’s mistakes. It is not my fault that they hurt me.

Instead of saying—maybe there are two sides to this story.

I say—my side is true and real and I am going to hold onto it and speak it out loud.

Instead of saying—I need to understand why another person hurt me.

I say—I don’t have to figure out why evil exists. It does, but I don’t have to sink into it and understand it deeply because it’s not my job to try to stop it or to convince people to stop being evil.

Instead of saying—I need to work harder and push myself more.

I say—maybe this time, the answer is actually resting and stepping back and listening to my body.

Instead of saying—I wish that hadn’t happened to me and I’m going to play an endless loop of other possible ways that it could have gone.

I say—I am not going to give energy to the past. I am going to focus on the future.

Instead of saying—I was so easily tricked by other people without seeing their motives for what they were.

I say—It is not a flaw to trust others. It is a deeply good thing to have hope in humanity and to take chances.

This