Finding Your People

The last three (and a half) years has been a painful, difficult process of sifting through the people who used to be deeply imbedded in my life and deciding if I could still trust and rely on them for support. Combined with the faith change that started in 2019 after I stopped attending Mormon church meetings (I’m technically still a member of record and haven’t firmly decided if I’m interested in having my name officially removed), I’ve lost about eighty percent of the people who I used to think of as my people. It was tremendously difficult to realize that so many of my friends would choose the Mormon church over friendship with me, and that again, a year later, more people I considered family would choose my ex and would essentially never speak to me again.

When my daughter died, I thought I had experienced the most traumatic event possible. But this has been worse. (Possibly this is just a slow result of that). I have spent many hours wondering who I am anymore, what I care about, what I want to do in the future, what matters to me, what I like, and what my purpose in being alive even is. As a Mormon woman, it was motherhood and the goal of eternal life with my husband and children. And then, when I stepped away from the church, I still believed that my husband and children loved me and that of course, my family would remain my top priority. Now? Well, I’m still rebuilding all of that.

One of the best parts of being where I am now is the realization of who are the people who remained with me, and who are the people who stepped up to become firmer and more reliable friends. And then there are many, many new friends who have stepped into the breach left by all the change in my life.

This weekend, one of my children was married and while there were a few uncomfortable moments trying to figure out if my ex and I would sit together (we didn’t) or if we’d even look at each other or speak to each other (we didn’t), it was a joyous event. It was this way partly because I had built a table of my people at the wedding, people I asked specifically to come to be there for me. And how these people were there for me! Sometimes I needed them to run out to a store and buy an emergency item. Sometimes I needed them to just make conversation at the table so I could listen and not have to make the effort to have a conversation myself. Sometimes I needed a hug and a reminder that I was loved. There was not a moment when I felt unseen or alone.

Thank you to my peeps, new and old, who have helped me to this beginning of a rebuilding of myself. This is the work. I know it. Sometimes it feels like too much. But when I’ve got this many awesome people behind me, I can be confident today that I’ve got this.