Does Divorce Bring Out the Worst?

I’ve heard from a number of people that I was crazy to consider going to law school to become a divorce lawyer because didn’t I know that divorce brings out the worst in people? Why would I want to spend time with people who are at a time in their life when they act so badly? Why not deal with people when they aren’t so immature and grasping, so vengeful and hate-filled?

Well, I don’t think that divorce is a bad thing. I’ve said it before, but I am saying it again. Divorce isn’t bad and I don’t think that divorcing people should be treated as crazy.

Does divorce cause a lot of pain and make people angry at each other? Yes, absolutely. I won’t deny that. But I also think that people who are in this hard time in their life deserve a lot of credit. I think that women asking for what they deserve should be applauded. I think it’s courageous to step away from a life that you are used to, but that you decide isn’t serving you the way that you want it to. I think that deciding that you deserve better is actually amazing.

I also think that people who are getting divorced should have people around them who tell them the truth. Not just about the court system, though they definitely deserve that, but also about themselves and their future. Maybe divorce lawyers are not the people best suited to this role, and in that sense I suppose it makes sense that people told me that it was the wrong path for me. Learning to bill the maximum number of hours is perhaps not the way to make the world a better place.

I suppose that the problem is that, as Calvin’s father tells him, people don’t want to pay money to hear the truth. They pay money to hear what they want to hear. So that’s a problem. And then everything is the other person’s fault or their lawyer’s fault or the court system is rigged against men or rigged against women. I will say that I’ve seen some horrible outcomes in divorce cases, but most of the time, people split assets and custody either on their own terms or a judge will do it for them. No one is going to be happy about compromise because that’s the essence of compromise: you don’t get everything you want. But you do get some things that you want.

When I sit down with friends attempting to be a kind of “divorce whisperer” to them, I try to get them to think about options. Be flexible. Don’t assume that there is only one way to divide everything. Most states deal with this by having an “equitable division” strategy rather than “equal division” and that is a good thing. It means you can trade this for that. You can get things that matter to you more than things that matter to the other person.

Divorce is not a system to enact vengeance on your former spouse. It is not a way for you to prove your value to them (something we who were rejected often find difficult to let go of). It is not going to enable either of you to continue to live the life that you used to live together, not in any way, financially or emotionally.

Divorce is a way to divide what used to be united. It is a legal surgery of two people who had become one and then didn’t want to be one anymore. It cuts apart organs that were once one piece, and it hurts like hell. No one wins in divorce, except that also everyone wins in divorce. Because everyone gets to participate in creating a new life from the new person that they have become outside of the marriage. This is a beautiful and wonderful thing.

Wish you’d married someone else? Now you have that chance. Wish you had control over your own finances? Now you have that chance. Wish you never had to speak to your former spouse again? That, also, is a choice you can make now, at least to a certain degree. Wish never to speak to your in-laws again? Also allowed.

I didn’t want to get divorced, and still it may be the best thing that someone else chose for me. I entered this life kicking and screaming, but I am doing better than I ever thought I could. I like many things about my new life that would never have been possible before. I like living alone—who knew? I like not being in charge of cooking food for other people or even for myself. I like buying things without guilt. I like being in charge of my own money. SO MUCH. I like calling repair people to fix things for my house. I like buying cars that suit my needs. I like taking care of myself. I really like these things, and many of them were not things that I knew that I liked or wanted or even needed to feel more fully alive.

Divorce is awful. It is the worst thing that ever happened to me.

And also, it wasn’t the worst thing. It was a new birth. It was me being a newborn, crying out at all these new things I didn’t ask for. Breathing. Eating. Shitting. I was a terrible person, but also? I needed someone to wipe my ass for me. And I don’t think it’s awful to be the person who wipes someone’s ass when they haven’t learned how to do it themselves.