Do Less, Do Better

Last weekend, on a long car ride, I listened to the book Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. I have spent most of my life being very excellent at accomplishing tasks. I am a list maker, a goal achiever, and in general, the envy of people around me who cannot imagine how I can fit so much into one day. I wake early, exercise incessantly, eat ten fruits and vegetables a day, and hold down a full-time job as well as writing three or four books a year. I will resist the temptation to say more. You’re here, so you probably know many of the things that I do.

Here comes a book that suggests that not only is the process of prioritizing, making lists, adding items to calendars, and so forth NOT USEFUL at getting us to feel better about ourselves and what we’ve spent our time each day doing, but it ALSO ends up leading us to worse decisions and to constant regrets about those decisions. Because the whole self-help industry of books and calendars and goals is based on the idea that we control the universe. Or at least a lot more about our lives than we can possibly control. Which is why we are always dissatisfied with however many of the things we accomplish off our lists.

As someone who does not go to bed at night without accomplishing all of the things on today’s list, as well as a good number of things on tomorrow’s list, I can affirm that it has not seemed to add to my overall happiness. In fact, the more energy I put into accomplishing things, the less happy I seem to be. It is very frustrating. I used to tell myself (you can call it lying, that’s fine) that I didn’t really aim for happiness, that I was aiming for “satisfaction.” I used to count my accomplishments at night instead of counting sheep. It used to work better than it does now. And that seems completely unfair, since I am DOING MORE THINGS THAN EVER!

Burkeman’s point here is that the more we focus on our lists and try to make priorities, and use our time “wisely,” the more we are deluding ourselves into imagining that everything that happens in our lives is because of us. And it simply isn’t.

I was brought into this single life of not-really-a-writer anymore through choices not of my own making. I am often kicking and screaming my way through my daily life. I so desperately want to have more control over my life than I feel like I’ve been allowed. I have felt dropped off a cliff and have been waiting to hit bottom. Maybe I already have. Who knows?

One of the real moments of clarity and relief that happened as I was listening to this book was about the years I spent as a stay-at-home mom, something that has felt many times in the last few years like it was a complete waste of my time. No one seems to value it, and I find myself filled with regret that I made choices based on incomplete information at best—lies at worst. But what this book did was make me see that this is inevitable. Every choice we make is based on incomplete information. Because we are human. And the more we try to gather information to make perfect choices, the more we are simply making the choice to delay making choices, which is its own choice.

I might have had a great career in the financial world if I hadn’t trusted in the pat answers about the purpose of my life that Mormonism gave me. I might also have had a worse life. I can never know this and it’s useless to spend more of my four thousand weeks worrying over the past two thousand five hundred weeks. Because they are gone. I made my choices. Those choices had certain results. Now I get to make a few more choices, if I’m lucky. I will get to see those results. That is all there is for us humans. We have a limited time here on this planet and the only reason choices happen is because of that. If we had eternity, we might never make any choices. Why should we take any risks at all?

What I’m actually going to change about my life as a result of reading this book? I am going to try to pretend less that I have control over things I don’t control. I am going to be more forgiving of my past choices. Because as it turns out, I am good at making choices. I’m just not as good at accepting the consequences of those choices. Because I want to know them all in advance and I don’t get to. Boo-hoo. Welcome to humanity, Mette.