Dear Woman Facing Divorce
Getting divorced is not fun. I hope no one is telling you that you should “try harder” or “give it one more chance.” I am one of those people who think that it’s a lot more common that more damage is done by staying in a bad marriage than by getting out and moving forward. But I’m not sure I would have said this five years ago when the divorce started.
I feel so much for women who are starting on this journey, whether or not you initiated the divorce. There is a lot of change ahead and if you’re like me, you’re not going to be happy about a lot of it. Change is change and I’m not someone who will try to bright-side it. It sucks. And also, you will get through it. And maybe you will wish for a long time that you didn’t get through it.
Take care of yourself. That is the thing I would say first and foremost to another divorcing woman. You are used to taking care of him, and frankly taking care of everyone else ahead of yourself. You need to do everything in your power to focus some of that love and attention on you. You deserve tenderness and sweet mercy during this time. I don’t know what works best for you and maybe you don’t either because you’re not used to doing this. But get massages, get takeout, go on long walks, talk for hours with friends about how angry you are, get therapy if you can find a good therapist who fits you, buy new clothes, find an attorney, get a loan from anyone who will offer it, and REST A LOT!
Some general tips for you from someone who is a little further down the road:
1. If you’re considering divorce, your marriage is probably already over. It can be hard to convince your brain of this. It will probably take years before you stop saying things like, “but I still love him.”
2. Being a good person or a bad person doesn’t matter when you’re considering divorce. What does matter is simply whether or not the two of you are still engaged in a relationship that benefits both of you.
3. The court does not care who did more bad things. The court is simply dividing assets as if you two were engaged in a business together. Which you were.
4. Keep your eye on the important things. Don’t argue about the objects you accumulated in divorce. Try not to compromise in advance. Ask for what you deserve. You can choose to accept less if you believe it will lead to a better life for you and yours.
5. You have probably given up a lot in your marriage and you as a woman may feel that there a thousand intangible things you’ve contributed. The court cannot measure these and they won’t be compensated. This is simply reality. You’re allowed to be bitter about it.
6. Your life will be better in the future. I don’t know how long it will take for you. Probably a good number of years.
7. You are probably terrified right now of everything you will lose. Relationships. Home. Financial stability. You will rebuild and things will be better than before.
8. You don’t have to be nice. You don’t have to give your ex the benefit of the doubt. You don’t have to compromise on asking for what you want. You need to take care of you.
9. You don’t have to explain your choice to divorce to anyone. If they ask you about the divorce, you simply say—it was best for everyone involved. And that’s it. The end.
10. This is not punishment. It can feel like a death, like yours or his or the family or all of them. It is not that. It is simply beginning anew and sometimes that means burning things down to the earth, but there is still living stuff under there that will continue to grow.