Dear Newly Divorcing Me

(What I would tell my past self--or anyone else newly divorcing)

Today a bomb dropped on your life and you are holding strong. You are angry and so, so hurt that you can’t even feel the depth of it because it will unmoor you and then what? How will you keep going? Because you always, always keep going. You get knocked down and you get up again and again and again. You gave yourself completely to one person and you are going to spend a long time processing the pain of that rejection.

One part of that is that you’re going to have to reject the idea that you deserve any bad things that happen to you because of that rejection. And no one who tells you differently is going to be able to get you to listen. You are so damned determined to see the universe in terms of transaction, that every action has a cause that makes sense and is “fair.” That’s not the way it is or ever has been. It’s a child’s way of seeing the world and somehow, you’ve held onto it for too long.

Here’s the truth: it’s going to get worse before it gets better. It is going to be a hellish next few years and every time you think it’s getting better, you’re going to get kicked in the teeth again. You will begin to feel like it will always be like this and that you will never be able to catch a breath and you’re going to wonder if you’re really strong enough for that. I wouldn’t wish what is coming on my worst enemy, and you have some people you really, really don’t have good thoughts for.

But here is what I would tell you, knowing what I know now. Look for the helpers, just like Mr. Rogers said. There are so many people around you who are waiting to help you. You just have to say the word. It won’t make you less strong and you won’t be a bad person to ask for help or to ask for people to let you rant a bit—or a lot. They can hold it. They can hold you. There are people who are coming to catch you who you don’t even know yet, people you would never have met otherwise. You will someday be glad that you met those people, because they will help you into the future. But the people you already have around you are also so, so good. Yes, some people will step away. But mostly not. The people who abandoned you already are gone and they’re not coming back. But everyone else who is there is going to be rocks, boulders, mountains of strength and help for you. Lean on them.

Do not doubt yourself. I mean, I know you will. Every day, every hour, every minute of the nightmarish nights when you are alone. You will think you won’t ever write again. Or publish again. You will think that everything good about your old life is gone, never to be returned. You will think that you have died and that you’re not sure you like to still be alive. And you will be heartbroken about so many things you walked away from and so, so many hurts that land on you. You’ve been a mom for so long and you’ve trusted that identity and that is something that is going to be tough to figure out in the new you-new world space.

I won’t tell you that someday you will be glad this happened and that you are so, so much happier because I don’t think that it would help. If I remember correctly, you would tell anyone who said that to you to fuck off. You’re getting good at curse words, as is appropriate to the moment. Some of the getting better just happens because the future comes at you whether you want it to or not, but a lot of the getting better is because you just throw yourself at everything you try and you Do. Not. Give. Up.

Bless you, sweetie. You deserve all the good things coming and you do not deserve the bad, but you can bear them. I think?

Love,

Six Years Out Me