Becoming Gods Faster

One of my key responses to explain the difference between ex-Mormon men and ex-Mormon women is to say that men leave the Mormon church because “they're not becoming gods fast enough.” No, #notallexmormonmen. I have a handful of dear ex-Mormon men who are friends. But I will say that I don't go to ex-Mormon spaces anymore because the large majority of ex-Mormon men are still patriarchal in their worldview and many of them seem to see no reason to change that. It's not in their own interest to do so, after all.

Sometimes it feels like their real problem with Mormonism isn't that it's bad for women, but that the hierarchy by its nature chews up and spits out most men. And yes, I agree that Mormonism is bad for most men. Mormonism uses shame to control men and it demands much of their time and energy be spent on the church, rather than on their family relationships (despite the church's insistence that family is most important). It teaches men that they can become gods—but only if they are perfect and if they allow themselves to be completely ruled by the men above them in authority. These are not healthy expressions of masculinity, and yes, men are harmed by Mormonism.

However, when men leave Mormonism, very few of them do the work necessary to see how Mormonism has harmed women—other than the most basic and superficial things. They see that women are not in leadership positions. They see that women are told that they are only to be wives and mothers. But at least in the beginning stages (and some never seem to get past those early stages), they don't understand how these teachings work more deeply in women. They don't see or acknowledge the difference between the harm that Mormonism causes in women and the harm it causes in men.

Men and women both give time to the church. Where the difference lies is that women spend so much of their time giving to children and husbands, and that burden is not shared equally. Furthermore, the message that women are not to have jobs or ambitions outside the home and that they are primarily meant to be wives and mothers means that when women leave Mormonism, they are at a serious disadvantage, both financially and psychologically. How to figure out on even a basic level what you want to do with the rest of your life is tricky when you never even asked yourself what you like to eat because you were so busy making sure that other people got what they wanted to eat. Every damned day.

And of course, there is the time scale here, as well. Ex-Mormon men did not give up education or jobs in order to be Mormons. That means that most of them do not face the kind of lifelong financial hit that ex-Mormon women do, in terms of trying to get back into a workforce we were never prepared for. Some of us have to go back to school in our fifties. We will never catch up financially to the ex-Mormon men around us. And they don't seem to understand this.

A final problem I will point out is that Mormonism teaches men that it is normal for them to have only close friendships with other men, to be only in spaces where other men are speaking, to take all their advice only from men. In Mormonism, men are NEVER counseled by women. Yes, some good bishops will allow Relief Society and Primary presidents to have a voice in ward counsel. But they are still always ALWAYS in charge. They choose to follow the women's advice. It is not required by the structure of the church leadership and it is seen as being a great guy if you do it—not just a normal human thing that every single person on the planet outside of Mormonism does all the time.

I observe that both ex-Mormon men and ex-Mormon women are used to hearing men in authority over them. It causes structural problems in ex-Mormonism because it means that the majority replicates the status quo of Mormonism in ex-Mormonism. But it does gall me when ex-Mormon men talk blithely about how sexist the Mormon church is—and then do not seem to be aware of how sexist they are themselves. In how they choose to listen to, donate, and associate with mostly ex-Mormon men. They spend very little time seeking out ex-Mormon women except as romantic partners, which is, not ironically, the way Mormonism taught them to see women.

It is not normal (though it is normalized) for men and women to be separated in the temple and in classes at church. It is not normal for men and women to be told they can only have same-sex friends because all opposite-sex friendships can turn romantic. It is not normal for men to only listen to men, even on the topic of women. It is not normal for women to be lectured about what it a good woman is, by only men. Utah is not normal. It is the bottom in the country for pay equality. Mormonism is proud of this. It is by design that this is the case. Ex-Mormonism should not be proud of this. But you have to do the work to change what you expect. You have to do work to seek out women to be in spaces.

God knows, America as a whole still has a problem with this same thing, with men being the ones telling other men what women are like, and women sitting on the sidelines screaming silently (or not silently) that it makes no sense that men will not listen to them when they say what they are like, what they want. Why? Why? Why? Please, please, can we do better? Or if not that, could an ex-Mormon man maybe repeat everything I've just said and get other ex-Mormon men to listen? Thanks.