A Small Person

Every time someone meets me in person for the first time, they say, “You’re much smaller than I expected you to be.” Every. Single. Time.

This is in part because I think I am so loud and articulate that people imagine that I am tall and big. But it is also partly because I am quite small in size compared to a normal person.

I grew up in a family of small people. My mother is perhaps 4’10” on a good day. My father was about 5’5” and I think my tallest brother is perhaps 5’7”. When I passed my mother in height, I was about nine years old. I am the second tallest girl in my family and when I am around my siblings, I think of myself as “tall.” I don’t feel small and I didn’t grow up thinking I was small. In fact, as a teen, my best friends were both over 5’10”. I tend to attract tall people in my life. My ex is about 6 foot and many of my friends are tall. Not that they think of themselves as tall. They think of themselves as average or slightly taller than average. They just look very, very tall next to me. But in my brain, I’m the same size as them, so I never think of myself as small.

Except when I’m afraid.

If I’m out alone in the dark, I suddenly become aware again of how small I am. I’m an Ironman triathlete and I’m extremely strong for my size. But that wouldn’t matter if a man of even average height attacked me. I’m afraid of men physically in these situations. I become jumpy. I am very conscious of how small I am, and how easy it would be to stop me, even if I tried to run away very quickly like a rabbit.

The older I get, the more conscious I am of how small and powerless I am. I think in some ways as a teen, I didn’t fully process that I was female. The older I’ve gotten, the more I have that body sense that other people have as children, the more I realize how vulnerable I am.

I am scared of going to the train station in the dark. I’ve been sexually assaulted and now tend toward a freeze response toward men in any situation, not even a romantic one. I’m scared of being too open on social media because I could be doxxed. I’ve considered getting a security system on my house, even though it seems ridiculously expensive and perhaps does nothing at all. Strangely of all, I’ve considered purchasing a gun for protection, something even a few years ago I would never have thought remotely possible.

Fear is real for small people. Especially women.